Team Jacob Triumphs!
by Team Jacob HA HA HA
Summary: A collection of rather short, funny oneshots, all ending in Jacob winning and Edward epically killed by chainsaw, garlic pizza, explosive wedding cake, etc. I'm aiming for 100 reviews!
1. Shattered!

**Yay! My first story! Hope you enjoy!**

Team Jacob Triumphs (Bella's POV, obviously)

"You are a fool. I shall kick your scrawny little disco ball vampire butt," said Jacob.

"No, Jakey," I protested. "Please don't hurt Edward. I love him!"

"Tough luck," he said as he ripped off his shirt.

"Now, Jacob," began Edward, "please think this through. You don't really want to kill me, now do you? Bella will be terribly depressed, you know. And I believe this will violate the treaty, won't it?"

"To hell with the treaty," snarled Jacob. There was a little _poof _and some smoke obstructed our view of him for a moment, but when it cleared up, there stood a beautiful wolf with reddish fur, starting toward Edward and growling for all he was worth.

"Eddie, MOVE! Hurry!" I screamed.

"Don't worry, Bell, I have this all under control!" said Edward as he climbed a tree. Good move. He knew wolves couldn't climb trees.

But, it turns out, they _can _slam themselves against trees to knock vampires out. And that's just what Jacob did. Edward screeched the whole way down. He hit the ground and…shattered? What?

I cried and flung myself onto the little pieces of my true love. "NOOOOO! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S MADE OF ROCK OR ANYTHING! HE CAN'T SHATTER!"

The wolf that was Jacob sat there with his head tilted, looking rather confused. Then he turned back into a shirtless human. I gaped at his eight-pack. He smiled. "I know what happened to Edward."

"What? What happened? TELL ME!"

"Okay. You know how Stephenie Meyer kept saying that he looked like he was flawlessly carved out of marble and all that descriptive crap?"

"Yeah. I said that too." I said. I didn't get the point.

"Well, I think he was. That's why he shattered. Like some crazy magic dude turned a statue alive."

"Ohhhhh." Was all I could say.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I love you, Jakey. I always have, I just didn't want to hurt Stephenie Meyer's feelings by choosing you instead of Edward. But now I can because her precious Gary-Stu is dead!"

"Yeah…" he said. "Will you marry me?"

The look in my eyes said it all. But I said "Of course" anyway.

"Thank you," he murmured as he picked me up and twirled me around. "I love you, Bella."

**I'm angry at Stephenie Meyer. How could she? Now I'm supporting a lost cause, thanks to her. The sole purpose of Breaking Dawn must have been to deter Team Jacob supporters, now that he's "imprinted" on his crush's daughter. It's all her fault. Why does she have to wind up with Eddie? STUPID oversized disco ball…**

** Please, please, pretty please review! You can even flame me if you want! Also, I have a poll up! Please check it out!  
**


	2. The Attack of the Chainsaw

** This was intended to be a oneshot. But I decided to make it a series of oneshots, so here's the next chapter!**

** Thank you so much to all my reviewers! To my anonymous reviewers:**

** Justinbieber01: Thanks! I'll be sure to read your stories!**

** Em: Why am I writing this? It's fun. And not everyone is happy. I'm not, and I know there are a LOT of Jacob fans out there that are extremely NOT satisfied.**

** Bella: Um…hi? Well, I'm sorry if you didn't like it, but what does "such a crap" mean? Haha…you put a one instead of an exclamation point.**

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry… I just can't be with you like this anymore!" moaned Edward melodramatically.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Bella, flinging herself onto him.

"I'm sorry! It's just- I WOULD EAT YOUR SOUL!"

"B-b-but… Fine! Eat it! I don't want it anymore!" she sobbed.

"No, that wouldn't be nice of me. I won't do it."

Bella pouted. She does that a lot. "You poopyhead."

"I'm not a poopyhead!"

"Oh, yes you are!"

"Well, I'm sorry."

"Oh, that's okay. I LOVE YOU! SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!"

They kissed. I shall spare you the details.

"Eddiekins, why is your tongue up my nose?"

"Sorry."

They kissed some more.

"Soooo…Eddie, where are you gonna go?"

"I'm going to go ask the crazy Italian vampires to kill me! YAY!"

"Oh. But you're already dead."

Edward frowned. This was not good. He had worked very hard on this plan.

His deep thinking was soon interrupted, however. Jacob had been hiding in a tree, listening to everything they said. He now pulled his chainsaw out of his backpack and leaped out of the tree. He pressed the starter button. The blade whirred to life.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! REAL MEN DON'T SPARKLE!" he yelled as he sliced off Edward's rather ugly head.

Edward disappeared, much to Bella's dismay, and became a pile of sparkles.

She sobbed loudly, snot smeared all over her face.

"But, Bella, don't you love me?" asked Jacob, rather confused.

"Noooo! You killed Eddiekins!"

"Whatever. I never really liked you anyway. You were too plain looking. Good riddance," Jacob said as he stalked off.

"NOOOOOO! WAIT! FORGET I SAID THAT! I WAS KIDDING! I LOVE YOU! COME BACK!" screeched Bella.

They got married the next day.

**PLEASE, please review! If you do, I'll review at least one of your stories!**


	3. Sporks Make Lousy Weapons

**Here's chapter 3! Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who reviewed, added this to faves, etc! I know I said this probably wouldn't be up for a while, but I found some time to do it!**

Jacob Black was now going to Forks High School so he could see Bella more often. It was his idea. He was quite pleased with it.

Today was his first day. After he figured out what the pencil was for, everything went rather smoothly. Until lunch, that is.

Jacob walked into the cafeteria. His blood boiled as he saw Bella and Edward sitting together. They were holding hands under the table. He forced himself to calm down and asked the cafeteria lady if they had any pizza with extra garlic. Conveniently, they did.

Jacob leaped onto a table with his pizza, waving it around. "HEY, SPARKLEPOUF!" he yelled. "LOOK WHAT I HAVE!" He then charged toward Edward, holding the pizza in front of him.

"NOOOO! GARLIC! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU MUTT!" squealed Edward, grabbing the nearest weapon. It was a plastic spork.

"HAHAHA! ONLY GAY GUYS SPARKLE!"

"OH YEAH? WELL… uh…" sputtered Eddie, wielding his spork.

Jacob took advantage of this to thrust the garlic pizza at Edward. Edward blocked it with his spork.

"HAHAHA! MY SPORK IS FAR SUPERIOR TO YOUR-"

Jacob snapped the spork in half and shoved the pizza down Edward's throat. Edward became a pile of sparkles.

"CONFETTI!" screeched Bella, joyfully throwing the sparkles up into the air.

Jacob and Bella used the sparkles as confetti at their wedding.

**I'm sorry this was so short! I'll try to make the next one longer! Speaking of the next chapter, I don't know when I'll have time to write it, so it may be a while! Sorry! And please review! Thanks for reading!**


	4. Epic Toothpicks

**Hi! Here's the fourth chapter!**

** I am amazed at the massive amounts of hits, reviews, and faves I have on this story! Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! You guys ROCK!**

** To my anonymous reviewer:**

** TeamEdward: So you say all dogs lick themselves? Well, are all vampires sparkly perverted vegetarian stalkers? HUH? Edward looks like he cut his hair with a Weed Whacker and slathered himself in glitter glue.**

Edward and Bella were on a date at a _very_ romantic restaurant. Well, actually, it was McDonalds, but Edward liked to pretend that it was a very romantic, expensive restaurant.

So anyway, they were eating their dinner (actually, Bella was eating and Edward was watching her eat) as they held hands under the table. It was no easy feat to eat with one hand and hold a vampire's hand with the other. Bella kept getting lettuce leaves from her salad down her shirt.

Jacob was sitting at the table across the restaurant, watching their every move. He was wearing his dark trench coat and sunglasses. He was very inconspicuous.

Rage was boiling inside Jacob. How dare that sparkly turd hold hands with Bella! What a fool!

He suddenly had a very good idea. It was so good that he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before.

HE WOULD KILL EDDIEKINS! MWAHAHAHA!

First he needed something that would make a nice stake. At the table next to him, there were three "bad boys" seated around the table. Being notoriously bad bad boys, they each had a toothpick sticking out their mouth.

Jacob walked up to the most gullible looking one and said, "Hello. May I borrow your toothpick?"

"Why?" asked the boy.

Jacob shrugged. "It's a top secret government project. So if I were you, I'd give me the toothpick _right now."_

"Whooooa…really?" asked the boy.

"YES! OF COURSE!"

"Okay!" The boy handed Jacob his toothpick.

Jacob took the toothpick and walked over to Eddie's table. "Hi, Edward. This is a very romantic place for dinner, isn't it?"

"OMG YEAH TOTALLY! That's why I brought Bella here!"

"I see."

"Good. Now go away please OR I'LL EAT YOUR SOUL!"

"I'm sure you will," said Jacob as he plunged the toothpick into Edward's chest. "LOOOSER."

Bella found herself holding hands with a pile of sparkles. She pouted.

"Why did you do that?" she asked Jacob.

"Why not? Will you marry me now?"

"I guess. Yeah, okay."

Bella used the sparkles as sprinkles on their wedding cake.

** Okay, thanks for reading! Please review now! THANKS! My next chapter will be special! Also, does anyone have an idea for future chapters? Thank you SO much to Rachel Mantegna for the idea for the next chapter! Chances are, if you give me an idea, I'll use it.**


	5. The Epic Explosive Wedding Cake

**I now have ten faves on this story…wow, thanks! So this chapter will be special because most of the other Cullens will be involved. I got the idea from Rachel Mantegna. Thanks so much!**

** Thank you very much to all my new reviewers-and of course, the ones that have stuck with this and reviewed every chapter so far! To my anonymous reviewer:**

** Taco: Ummm…what?**

** So, here's the next chapter:**

"AHHHHHHH! IT BUUUUURNS!" screeched Bella as Alice carefully applied excessive amounts of makeup all over her face. It was Bella and Edward's wedding day, and Alice was so kindly doing Bella's makeup for her. Esme flitted around them, and Rosalie sulked in the corner. Carlisle was in his room, trying to get the headache to go away.

"Don't worry, Bella! You look great! The pain will be over soon-OOOH, LOOK, A BUTTERFLY!"

Alice leapt up and raced to the window.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, the huge cake sat on a table. Jacob crept over, in his favorite trench coat. He lifted up the bride and groom figures and put a little ticking box under them. Then he replaced the little figures.

In the Cullen's backyard, Emmett, Jasper, and Edward were arranging flowers. There was much contradiction as to where they should go.

"NO, Eddie, the petunias should go way back there. Petunias are ugly. I don't like them." That was Jasper.

"No, Jazz, they're pretty. See? They're purple. They should go by the altar." That was Emmett.

"NOOOO!" howled Eddie. "You're all wrong! The TULIPS should go by the altar!"

"Well, that's stupid. Who ever heard of tulips by the altar?" asked Emmett.

"Me."

"Tulips are ugly. I don't like them." Jasper pouted.

"TOO BAD! This is my wedding! If you get married, you can put whatever you want by the altar."

"Like dead squirrels?"

"Yeah."

"Good idea, Jazz! Let's put dead squirrels by the altar for Eddie!" squealed Emmett.

Emmett and Jasper ran off in search of dead squirrels. Edward did not.

**Ten minutes later**

Bella walked down the aisle in her dress with the extremely low neckline. Edward was already at the altar. Jasper and Emmett were still on their search for dead squirrels. Alice had left to chase the butterfly. Rosalie was sitting by the wedding cake (which was outside on the table), licking the icing off the cake when she thought nobody was watching.

"Guess what, guys?" she yelled suddenly. "This cake is making pretty music! Listen! It's like, tick, tick, tickety tick, tick, tick, tickety, -"

The cake blew up. So did the whole backyard, including Rosalie, Bella, Edward, and Esme.

A few minutes later, Emmett and Jasper got back home, each with an armful of dead squirrels.

"Huh. Where did everybody go?" asked Emmett.

"I don't know. But where should we put our squirrels? Everything's on fire now."

"Oh well. Let's go inside and ask Carlisle."

**Across town: **

Alice heard a big boom. She turned from her butterfly. "OOOOOH! MUSHROOM CLOUD! YAY!"

Jacob lived a very happy, pyromaniac life on the reservation.

**Thanks so much for reading! Review PLEASE! Also, I have a poll up! Please vote on it! Thanks!**

** Next Chapter: Edward and Bella are shopping…Jacob follows them…CHAOS WILL ENSUE! **


	6. Eddie is a GIRL!

**I'm SO sorry it took so long for me to update! I was busy, and I had writer's block! But, anyway, here's the next chapter:**

** Oh, to all my anonymous reviewers:**

** Okay, anonymous people. Listen up. I want you to stop flaming anonymously. I'm sick of you guys saying, "evil team Jacob" and stuff like that. If you want to do that, do it with a signed review. So you think you're sneaky little ninjas because you're ANONYMOUS flamers? Well, you're not. You're just too lazy to sign in. I hereby deem you mediocre dunces.**

"OOOH! JUSTICE! MY FAVORITE!" Edward screeched. He was at the mall with Bella.

"Well, that's weird. Justice is for little girls," Bella informed him.

"Yeeeeah? Sooooo? I, like, need a new eyebrow pencil! LOLZ!"

_"What?" _Bella stopped in the doorway of Justice.

"Well, see, I need to draw chest hairs on my chest and I need to draw on a six pack! Oh, and I need some new glitter glue to spread all over me."

"Ooookay. We'll look for glitter glue and eyebrow pencils."

"YAYZ! And I need," he lowered his voice, "a new bikini. Swimsuit season is coming!"

"Bikinis are for girls, you mediocre dunce."

"Well, yeah, but…y'know how once a month I always get weird? Y'know how I always wear girly shirts? Y'know how people always tell me that sparkling is for girls? Y'know how I'm oddly attracted to Carlisle?"

"Well, yeah, but…" They stopped in front of a rack of makeup.

"Don't you get it?"

"No."

"Oh, weeeeell…Bella, I'm sorry! I'm a GIRL!"

"Awwww." Bella pulled out her cell phone.

"What are you doing?"

"I am calling Jacob. He is coming to the mall, I am picking out a wedding dress, and we are getting married tomorrow."

Edward gasped in shock. He fell forward onto an eyebrow pencil that was conveniently sticking out. It plunged into his heart. He died.

Bella skipped to the wedding dress store, where Jacob was waiting for her. Then they got married.

**Thank you for reading and PLEASE REVIEW! Also, please vote on the poll at my profile if you haven't already!**

** -Team Jacob HA HA HA**


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